Posted by: jockmackenzie | June 12, 2009

A Golf Poem (with apologies/thanks to Robert Service)

Tees and Greens and In-betweens

By Jock Mackenzie

There are strange things done on the golf course, son
By the hacks who haunt the links;
The tees and the greens and the in-betweens
Could tell some tales methinks.
The summer days have seen displays
Of the famous and of the renowned,
But this tale of strife is about my wife
When she asked to play a “round.”

To “play a round” is a welcome sound
But “golfing” is what she meant.
She loved me dearly and showed it clearly –
What could I do? We went!
Now my blushing bride and my manly pride
Were truly in for a test;
They call it a “game” but what’s in a name?
I never have been so stressed.

On the fateful day when we made our way
To the course where I belong,
She was dressed to the nines and lookin’ fine.
I guessed I had been wrong.
What could possibly mar this quest for a par?
What tragedy could ensue?
A husband and wife should share in their life
And be more like one than two.

I gave her a peck as she waited on deck,
And wondered if it would do,
If she wouldn’t mind or could be resigned
To a helpful hint or two.
She turned to me and, “No,” said she,
“Just trust me in this, my love.
I saved and I paid for some teaching aides –
I bought Butch Harmon’s gloves.
And this Speed Stick thing from Vijay Singh,
Well it works just like a charm.
Then to help my stroke, they’ve invented this yoke
That I strap to my waist and my arm.
My putting machine, my workout routine, the bracelet for my wrist
They’re all guaranteed; I know I’ll succeed – so no advice, I insist.”

A wife’s request, as you may have guessed,
Is something you don’t ignore.
So my wife and me, we stepped to the tee,
I couldn’t resist any more.
I silently cursed cuz I had to hit first; I wrestled to solve the riddle.
Was it protocol to hit the ball long and down the middle?
I stood at address, then gave it my best;
My drive went straight and true.
I peeked at my bride; she was beaming with pride.
She said, “Now it’s my debut.”
My sweet little lass knelt down in the grass,
And jammed in her tee with a twist,
Then over the ball she tried to recall all of the things on her list.

Her muscles went taut as she mentally fought
To remember just what to do.
The tension was clear; the moment was here,
And then right out of the blue,
Like a gong to a bell, her three wood just fell.
She really had given her all,
Yet still on the tee was that shiny Pro V.
Oh no! She had missed the ball.
With unshattered pride she stepped back and sighed
(Ever the consummate actress)
“Don’t look so concerned; there’s one thing I learned –
Always start with a practice.”
One waggle, one wiggle, one little hip jiggle,
She drew back her club low and steady
Then just like a pro, so smoothly and slow,
She hit it just like she was Freddie.

A Fred Couple’s swing is a beautiful thing;
She’d hit it on the screws!
A speck was all you could see of the ball
As it climbed up into the blue.
It fell from the sky and it rolled right by my drive
(My ego was jarred)
She was tickled pink, then she gave me a wink,
and said, “Golf’s not so hard.”

So the round began – a woman, her man –
In truth I feared the worst.
I was thunderstruck. Was her drive just luck
Or was my bubble to burst?

But the game we play seems to have a way
At revenge, as if by design.
It’s a slippery slope, give and take of hope,
It gives both ‘rain’ and ‘shine.’
My bride and I had some lows and some highs
Flashes of glory and fame
Some time at the beach (golf’s figure of speech)
Shots ranging from awesome to lame.
It became quite clear my initial fear
That my wife would clean my clock
Was the silly thought of a man distraught –
I relaxed and enjoyed the walk.

And since that day, I look back and say
I’m amazed at the prize I found
On the course of life, with my love, my wife
When she asked to play a “round.”
A chance to go and a chance to grow
To golf with the one meant for me
On the tees and the greens and the in-betweens
It’s the way that it should be.

It’s a lot of fun on the golf course, son
For a pair who love the links.
This mom and this dad will always be glad
To share the tale, methinks.
Of the summer day we went to play
Together as husband and wife.
We’re the twosome who grew some
And now we’re a pairing
As we walk down the fairway of life.

An interesting afterthought is the admission that my wife is a much better golfer than I will ever be. The game  she makes looks so easy has always been a struggle for me – one day I think I’ve finally ‘got it’ but the next round disputes that finding.


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