Posted by: jockmackenzie | July 31, 2009

Speaking – Joke Telling #6

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THE DESCRIPTIONS GIVEN IN ENTRIES #1 THROUGH #5 HAVE SOME OBVIOUS FLAWS. CLASSES DON’T COME IN TIDY MULTIPLES OF 4. TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM, THERE WERE TIMES WHEN I HAD TO TAKE A PLACE IN THE ROTATION OR WHEN WE HAD TO HAVE A COUPLE OF GROUPINGS OF 3. THIS THREW THE TIMING OFF BUT NOT ALL JOKES TAKE EXACTLY THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME TO TELL ANYWAY. IT WAS INTERESTING TO SEE STUDENTS JUST SIT AND CHAT IN THE TIME BETWEEN FINISHING THEIR JOKES AND BEING TOLD TO “SWITCH.” SOME TOLD MORE JOKES, SOME JUST CHATTED, THE ODD GROUP JUST SAT.

A passenger was on an airplane flying from Toronto to London, England. He had never been on an airplane before and was very excited. Once the plane was over the Atlantic, there was a terrible jolt and the plane lost altitude. The pilot came over the intercom and calmly announced, “This is your captain speaking. No need to worry ladies and gentlemen. We have just lost Engine #4 but this will only slow us down a bit. We will arrive in Heathrow Airport one hour later than expected.”

Not too long afterward, another jolt affected the plane. Again, the pilot came over the intercom and calmly announced, “This is your captain speaking. No need to worry ladies and gentlemen. We have just lost Engine #3 but this will only slow us down a bit. We will arrive in Heathrow Airport two hours later than expected.”

The passengers remained calm and the flight continued. The new passenger was assured that this four engine (now two engine) plane was not in any danger. After about an hour, there was another jolt. Once again, an announcement came over the intercom. “This is your captain speaking. No need to worry ladies and gentlemen. We have just lost Engine #2 but this will only slow us down a bit. We will arrive in Heathrow Airport three hours later than expected.”

The new passenger turned to the man in the seat beside him and said, “I sure hope we don’t lose Engine #1 – or we’ll be up here all day!”

* * *

A man was sitting at a lunch counter when a pirate sat down beside him. The man couldn’t believe his eyes – it was a real pirate – peg leg, hook instead of a hand, eye patch, black beard, high topped boots, and so on. He was flabbergasted. He just had to ask, “Are you a real pirate?”

“Ahar, laddie, that I am!” came the reply, and oddly, in a sad tone.

The two began to talk. The man was full of questions about the pirate life – sailing on the high seas, flying the skull and crossbones, etc. It seemed that the pirate had stepped out of the pages of history.

After they got to know each other a bit, the man asked, “How did you get that peg leg?”

“Midst a terrible battle,” replied the pirate. He described an awesome encounter in great detail that ended with, “One swipe from a broadsword and off went me leg.”

“And what about your hand?” asked the man.

The pirate sighed, “‘Twas another skirmish on the high seas.” Again, he told of boarding a Spanish galleon, and painted a vivid picture of a lengthy struggle. Again, the story ended simply. ” A brigand with a rapier sliced it right off.”

The man then wondered aloud, “And the eye patch?”

The pirate, suddenly embarrassed, looked down and then away but didn’t say anything. Finally he said, “One day an albatross was soaring above our ship and I looked up just when the bird was . . . was . . . pooping. It got me right in the eye.”

Amazed, the man asked, “And that caused you to have to wear an eye patch?”

More embarrassed than ever, the pirate replied, “No laddie, ’twas the first day I had me hook.”


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