Posted by: jockmackenzie | August 14, 2009

Speaking – Joke Telling #13

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EARLIER, I SAID I WOULD INCLUDE PHOTOS THAT STRUCK MY FUNNY BONE TO GO ALONG WITH THE JOKE TELLING THEME. THIS HEDGE DEFINITELY STRUCK ME – BUT MORE AS “ODD” THAN “FUNNY.” CAN YOU IMAGINE THE FLOW OF NEIGHBORLY LOVE THAT WOULD CAUSE A PERSON TO TRIM HALF OF THE HEDGE!

TODAY, FOR THE FIRST TIME, I AM INCLUDING AN “INTERNET” JOKE. AS MANY OF MY STUDENTS WOULD DO, I GOOGLED “CLEAN JOKES” AND CAME UP WITH THE ONE ABOUT THE DASCHUND AND THE LEOPARD – BUT IT TOOK A LOT OF SEARCHING.

After a long day (and a long week) at the office, a man stopped in for a drink at the pub. As he sat at the bar, he heard a little voice say, “Hey man, that’s a great tie you’re wearing – very fashionable.” He looked around to see who had paid him the compliment but couldn’t see anybody. He was alone at the bar, the bartender was about 20 feet away, and the nearest customer was too far to be heard.

A few moments later, another little voice announced, “Dude! Cool haircut. Love what you’ve done to look like a Modern Man.” The man looked around but still couldn’t see who had spoken.

He didn’t have to wait long until yet another tiny voice stated, “You have such nice eyes. I love that color of blue.”

The man called the bartender over and said, “I keep hearing voices, little voices saying nice things to me – but I have no idea where they’re coming from. What’s up?”

The bartender pointed to a container of honey-roasted peanuts on the bar and stated simply, “Complimentary nuts.”

* * *

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, “I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

“Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

“Where’s that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”

http://www.cleanjoke.com/humor/Doggone-Brilliant.html


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